Really? In a storage locker? Ok!

"We should have sex in the storage locker"
"huh?"
"We should have sex in the storage locker"
"really?"
"Yes!"
"ummm... ok!"


We have been married now 10 years, love each other dearly and couldn't imagine life apart. Every now and then though we strike something that we are very different about. In the last year or so it's been our sexuality.  I think most couples hit it, the point where you think "Is this is it?" when it comes to sex, whether it's frequency, quality or connecting (or all of the above) something goes amiss and it's not easy to get back... We did lots of things from coaching and talking... most I won't go into... but something we did discover was that our communication on desire wasn't great... (by the way, we did work at it... and got it well and truly back... so don't worry... we are good :))

Those who know me know that I am an open book and insanely open minded... If it's safe, sane and consensual, go for it... might not float my boat but if it floats yours... good for you. She is as open minded, but finds it harder to express it verbally.

So imagine my surprise when I hear "We should have sex in the storage locker!"

Holy Shit! Yes.... Yes Honey.... Of course we should!!!!

The other thing is, it's been just a crazy few months. Between getting a house ready to sell, selling the house, moving, buying another house... and throwing in that she has been away about 8 weeks out of the last 12 for work... We have been missing the excitement a bit. I mean it's nice but we spend a lot of time missing each other and that puts stress on the limited time together, so this has given me something to focus on for a week she isn't here...

I'm focusing on the fact that when she gets home, I'm going to fuck her in a storage locker!!!

So, how does one fuck in a storage locker? How does one now, given that it's no longer an instantaneous flash of desire and feel that this is an event that requires thought, deliver on something that sounds so simple but in reality... not as simple as it sounds.

First - Area to fuck in. You usually don't rent a storage locker to be empty. Ours was pretty full... of random things from the old house, Garden Tools, hoses, more IT equipment you could poke a stick at and even a wine cabinet... It was all there. So first thing that needed to happen is space to actually fuck in. 4 car loads back to the house to dump things in the garage, a massive amount of stacking things and I am left with a floor space of 2300mmx1600mm. Sure, it's no king size bed, but either she is going to be on top of me or me on top of her (and probably behind her too) there is ample room there to fuck.



Free area to fuck... Check! - Should probably move the gas cylinder.

Second - what do we fuck on??! I know standing up sex sounds great, but when I am well over 6 foot and she is barely over 5 foot, that has it's challenges... and really, we both like a little comfort while getting our rocks off! Luckily for us, this isn't hard. A few years ago we bought a Esse Chaise sex lounge from Liberator in Atlanta, Georgia USA. I know, I know... whats wrong with a bed right? Go have sex on a liberator esse chaise lounge and you won't necessarily know what is wrong with a bed, but you will DEFINITELY discover everything that is right with an Esse Chaise. Due to us just selling a house, and not wanting our sex furniture hanging around for the world to see... this was already stacked up in the storage locker...

Surface to fuck on... Check!

Third - Aesthetically pleasing to fuck in. Sure, if you're into industrial bdsm, a storage locker would be just the thing to get the blood flowing. Metal walls, wire mesh ceiling, hard concrete floor would suit the average post-steampunk inspired Dom/sub relationship down to the ground... But that's not us... We have been known to stay in some of the most lavish accommodations just because the room looked great to have sex in... so while a dirty floor and metal wall is fine for an instantaneous quicky... this is an event! This needs to be special, after all, she said she wants to fuck in a storage locker so we're doing this right god damn it!!!

Walls... Firstly two walls are covered in stacked up furniture and boxes, not so sexy and as explaned further up, the other two are hard, cold aluminum. While plastering the room would be what any good, self respecting DIY, home handyman would first consider... I went completely non man and took a trip to Spotlight Fabric store!

Things I thought I would never do.... register for a VIP membership to a haberdashery!!

So, on a Tuesday morning with all of the baby boomer sewing aristocracy it's me... 41 years old, bearded and in a gym singlet buying ready made curtain fabric. And wow... these women know how to make a guy uncomfortable, self entitled old ladies assuming I am going to let them go first ("hey lady, I'm on my lunch break, excuse me that I don't care if you're going to be late for your weekly bridge meet up"), women behind the counter who get all so upset that I didn't know the difference between pinch and pencil pleats or what god damn hooks I need for either... I'm just making a room to fuck in!!

So armed with 10 metres of burgundy velvet curtain material (and the god damn right hooks too I might add) and 4 metres of white muslin and a black furry throw for the floor, time to turn this grotty metal locker into an alluring fuck den!

The mesh ceiling made it pretty simple to hang the curtain fabric and the fact the room is 2750mm high and the curtain fabric was 2800mm wide (or rather "drop"... see I'm learning) no need for hemming here bitches, straight up it goes hung from cable ties on the ceiling (I am yet to see a problem that cable ties can't fix). It still needs the ceiling, but there is another step before that.'


Aesthetics to fuck in... Check!

Fourth - Light to fuck by. The thing with storage lockers is that you're never meant to close the door when you're in them. In fact they make it bloody difficult to latch the door from inside... Must be something to do with people sleeping in them or cooking meth in them. So, when you shut the door it's dark. Add into that the burgundy curtains and the partial ceiling cover, there is even less light. So, given there is no access to power (again discouraging young budding entrepreneurial types from manufacturing F grade drugs in there) the solution needs to be either rechargable or battery operated.

Enter Amazon Prime and battery operated LED fairy lights to your door in 24 hours!

Nothing, and I mean nothing, says to a woman "You're having sex in this room" like a room decorated in fairy lights so why use anything else? I mean, seriously, why do guys buy roses, it would be far more effective to say you're expecting to get laid by fashioning a string of fairy lights into the shape of a daisy and handing that to your date.

So, one string on the ceiling and one string on each wall and we are set.

Light to fuck by... Check!

Last piece of the ceiling is the muslin draping, it hangs below the fairy lights to give that stary light look and a mirror because, well, she likes mirrors. All of this done I have turned a storage locker into Arabian harem tent (albeit a small one) inspired sex lair.

The blow by blow of the evening in question is obviously a private affair, but it included a restaurant she always wanted to go to, a blind fold and a trip to a storage locker in an industrial estate (which has 24/7 code access)... She loved it, and so did I... but that's not all...

You could be forgiven for asking was it worth it? I mean, about a week's worth of effort outside of work hours, a few hundred bucks on materials (God, curtain fabric is expensive!) and quite a bit of sweat to set it up for approx 40 minutes of sex while we were in the locker... just to have to pull it all down.

The short answer is an unequivocal "Yes".

And while this has been a humorous anecdote on the lengths I went to in order to fulfill a fantasy or random want she had, the longer answer has a few facets.

Firstly, she is away quite a bit and it sucks. I look after the dogs, eat dinner, fall asleep wake up and do it again. It's not great. I miss her heaps and can find myself resenting her when she isn't here. The sex den project kept me focused all week. Not only on the project it self but on her. It made me really look forward to her getting home and loved doing it for her and us.

Secondly, it was a bit dangerous. You're not meant to fuck in storage lockers. I am not quite certain if that's in the terms of rental of said storage locker, but it's probably safe to assume it's not allowed. The fear of getting caught and the rush of doing something some where you shouldn't was excellent.

Thirdly, and most importantly. There is one thing that turns her on more than anything else.  It's not some circular motion with my tongue or sideways thrusting movement, it's showing the effort. She wants me most when she feels wanted and desired. By taking her comment of "I want to have sex in the storage locker" and turning it into an entire sex den project it shows her that not only do I want her, but I appreciate so much that she shared a fantasy with me and I want to make that come true in the best way possible.

If there is something I have learnt over the past year that hadn't really clicked before, and it's not only for her but for me too, is that want is closely aligned to being wanted. If I had any advice for anyone now a days it would be to listen and show the effort in wanting, and let being wanted just come from that. Thinking back to being a younger man and single, the lengths and effort we would all go to sometimes to get laid it amazes me that when we're older and married we forget that there is still effort needed... I hope I don't forget that again.

The other piece of advice I would give is build a fucking sex den... It's awesome!

Girt by Apathy...

I have spent the weekend pondering our values as a nation. It would be easy to sit back and think that we’re a bunch of xenophobic red necks in utes proudly displaying our ignorance for the world to see, but I refuse to believe that is the case.

I love Australia, I am proud to say I am Australian… but I am not really sure what I am saying I am proud of. What is it we stand for? What are our national values?

So, beginning my search into what our national values are, I started at the federal government “Values Australia” webpage (http://valuesaustralia.com/) and was confronted with the most shocking content I have ever seen on a webpage (with the possible exception of 2 girls 1 cup)…

“In short, Australia has built an entire culture on being a nation of losers.” 

Harsh…but fair? Let’s look at it:

(1 )    Our national song is about a sheep thief who commits suicide rather than be arrested. FAIL

(2 )    Our most coveted sporting trophy is a burnt set of cricket stumps. FAIL

(3 )    Our most celebrated military campaign was a dead set slaughter… of our troops. FAIL

(4 )    Our national hero was a bushranger with little or no understanding on how to make efficient body        armour. FAIL

The list goes on…but what stares you in the face is that we are a nation more willing to celebrate our failures than our victories.  Even our national anthem sounds more like a funeral march than an inspiring paean.

So, by saying I am proud to be Australian, am I saying that I am proud of my predisposition to and inherent love of failure? Again, I refuse to believe that is the case.

So, next step.  Lets look at the National Anthem…that is surely a good source for national values:

Australians all let us rejoice,
For we are young and free;
We've golden soil and wealth for toil,
Our home is girt by sea;
Our land abounds in Nature's gifts
Of beauty rich and rare;
In history's page, let every stage
Advance Australia fair!
In joyful strains then let us sing,
"Advance Australia fair!"

(Ok, yes, there are two other verses, but as it seems to be too much for many people to learn the first verse let alone 3, so for the purposes of this exercise I am only going to use the first…)

So, the values set out in our anthem are that we’re a youthful nation that is proud of our natural resources, is surrounded by ocean and hoping that history notices us… Does this not remind you of the Kazakhstan National Anthem out of Borat?

“Kazakhstan greatest country in the world.
All other countries are run by little girls.
Kazakhstan number one exporter of potassium.
Other countries have inferior potassium.”

At least they exclaim that they believe they are the best....we don’t even have the tenacity to acknowledge our own self-worth! 

It also doesn’t help that Advance Australia Fair comes with the most limp wristed chord progression known to man. If the song went for more than 2 minutes it would lull you to sleep! Unlike the great national anthems of “Star Spangled Banner” and the like, that get blood pumping with patriotic pride at merely the opening bars, our anthem screams from the start “awww ...we’re ok, don’t hurt us”.

Adam Hills has remedied the music side of the issue with his version of Advance Australia Fair to the tune of Working Class Man:

Now, I can get behind that… It is amazing what updating a tune can do… and I honestly don’t think Jimmy Barnes would mind his home country using his tune as their anthem… I would think it would be a huge honour… Are you listening Governor General?!?

But we need to go further… A national anthem needs to describe who we are, where we have been and where we want to go. The populist version of Advance Australia Fair does nothing of the sort. If someone asked you personally who you are and what you stood for would your answer be “I live in Brisbane and have spuds growing in the garden”? Our Anthem does just that… “We live in the middle of the ocean and love to farm and mine shit”. I want the world to know a little more about us than just that! 

To be fair: Advance Australia Fair was first performed in 1878; we had no actual national identity to fall back on at that stage; we were still under British colonial rule. Why then in 1974 did an opinion poll pick “Advance Australia Fair” over “Waltzing Matilda” (I say again…FAIL) and “Song of Australia” (again saying we’re a country of rich dirt and blistering heat)… I dare say there was no better alternative… 

But not anymore.

In 1987, Bruce Woodley (of The Seekers) and Dobe Newton wrote “I am Australian”.   Once set to music it was used as advertising campaigns both for profit and not for profit entities… and it worked...why? 

Because as a nation we fricking love this song!

In 1997 it was released as a single performed by Judith Durham of The Seekers, Russel Hitchcock From Air Supply and Mandaway Yunupingu From Yothu Yindi and it reached number 17 on the ARIA charts… 

Again, we fricking love this song.

It is often taught at schools for an alternative national anthem because it better describes our values than Advance Australia Fair… 

Do I need to say again, we fricking love this song!

It has everything: reference to Indigenous Australians first and foremost acknowledging their 40 000 years of history prior to white settlement, the establishment of the first penal colony, becoming a nation and, of course, reference to the saucepan hat wearing bushranger…

Have a think about it.  Doesn’t the line “We are one, but we are many” represent us better than telling everyone we are “girt” by water?

I know I can sing Advance Australia Fair with absolutely no emotion and feel nothing for the music or lyrics… I dare any Australian to get up and belt out the following chorus without getting a lump in their throat… 

"We are one, but we are many
And from all the lands on earth we come
We share a dream and sing with one voice:
I am, you are, we are Australian"

I bet you can’t!

I am aware that changing a national anthem does not constitute a set of values that as a nation we can live by, and at the end of the day, the gesture may seem empty. However if we start by saying “No, we are more than an island surrounded by water that has pretty good dirt: we are a nation of people” then maybe we can begin building a nation that ackowledges it's failures while being proud of our heritage and relishing in the growing tapestry or our flourishing society.  Maybe then we can start showing the world that we are more than (and mostly are not) beer drinking, ute driving, xenophobic bigots and stand with our heads held high proclaiming:

I Am Australian

Today’s Favours… Tomorrow’s Expectations…

I’m a self-proclaimed helper; I tend to be there whenever anyone needs a hand with something… Probably more so at work rather than home, but above and beyond has tended to be the name of my game…

I do wonder every so often where it has gotten me…

I have never wanted to be “The Guy”… That’s a sales role. Sales people tend to be the glory seekers, I have never met a rep who hasn’t wanted a customer to think that he or she “got it done”… but in reality, it is the people who stand behind them who get shit done… The rep simply says “This is what has to happen”… and everyone else works out how to do it… more often than not as a “favour”…

When does a favour become less than a favour and become an expectation…

Believe me, I am not one of those people who describes a favour as any task that could be loosely regarded as part of my job… but for all of you who don’t know… I am a buyer… When did selling/delivering become part of it?

I never have a day go buy where a rep doesn’t say to me “Is that going to my customer tomorrow?”… and I constant wonder why they ask me? My only answer SHOULD be “Well, I have purchased the stock, it has been delivered and receipted”, but that isn’t answering the question that is asked… So I end up making 3 calls to different departments making sure that something is going to happen, that at the end of the day, should not be my responsibility…

Why do I do this? It happens so often now that it can’t possibly be a favour… So, if in the past it was a favour… Is it now possibly an expectation?

My manager asked us all to start thinking about job descriptions a few weeks ago, and the only thing I could come up with was “Any reasonable and lawful request”… and let’s face it, lawful can be elastic!

This all makes me wonder, have I created this issue myself… In essence, although I don’t want to be “The Guy”… I obviously want to be the guy that “The Guy” turns to… and frankly, I enjoy it.  I would hate to be the person who refuses to do things because “It’s not my job”… really, does that attitude get anything done? Maybe it was growing up with parents who ran their own business, and if there was work to be done, it really came down to either one of them (mainly Mum) to make sure it did. Maybe I have more to thank them than what I give them credit for? I know my Dad really liked being “The Guy”… and Mum was the sort of person who hated getting the credit, but in fact did most of the work.

Can successful business’ survive without those two elements… Probably not.

So, why rant about it? I guess I’m not ranting… venting maybe… but definatly not ranting. I guess I would not have it any other way… Except for occasionally when I want to get my own job done… Please people RING SOMEBODY ELSE!!!!

A Friend Indeed?

I have a friend…. Let’s call him Peter S.

When I get up in the morning he is there and I wish him good morning while drinking my coffee, we spend a little time together before I go get ready for work and all I feel better for it.

I go to work and after a couple of hours, I again want to go spend some time with Peter, enjoy the company and then go about my merry way… knowing that Peter will be there when I want him to be… Thinking to myself “Yes, I am in control of this situation”…

Oh how wrong I am…

Yes, I smoke, and like so many other smokers, I am not an idiot, I know the risks but flagrantly throw caution to the wind and keep smoking… Why? Because, quite stupidly we have this ill founded love for smoking while having an inner conflict about the damage it is doing. So, in essence, by declaring that I’m not an idiot is actually a self-admission that I am an idiot.

Also, like so many other smokers, I have chosen to live life in deep contradiction… Until now.

I am beginning to make the comparison between a friend and a con artist… A real friend enriches your life, a con artist makes you believe he or she is… while they are kicking you in the nuts!

So, I have written Peter a letter:

Dear Peter,

I have enjoyed our time together, but I believe it’s time we part ways.

For everything I have invested in our relationship, I don’t really think you have given me anything in return, our relationship only leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth and heavy chested.

Your gentle seduction will no longer have pull for me, as it did my mother. Your promise of relaxation I will see for what it actually is… A promise of ill fated times ahead.

No longer will you be a financial or social hindrance to me… I cast you aside.

Don’t get me wrong Peter, I will miss you, and I know there are tough times ahead, but I know, in time, I will wonder why I bothered with you in the first place.

So, in short, Peter,

I HEREBY COMMAND YOU TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!

Yours in exfriendship,

Tom

I will keep you posted on how I actually go with this...

Renovating: The Gift that Never Stops Taking!

So, two years ago we were faced with the dilemma that lots of youngish couples are faced with when buying property, do we want to compromise the standard of house we  buy for our first home in favour of location, and renovate?

Our answer was a resounding “Yes Please”… Which can be loosely translated to “We love pain!”

Don’t get me wrong, I doubt very much if, given the opportunity to turn back time, we would have made any other decision. At the time however we would have pinched ourselves constantly for over a month to get ourselves ready for the pain knowing what we know now.

We’ve all seen the Dulux ads where a young couple, together with their English sheepdog, put one coat of paint on a wall (no undercoat) and all of a sudden the room has $5000 worth of new furniture in it and looks like something out of “Better Homes and Gardens” with the only process shots being couples frolicking and playfully dabbing each other on the nose with paint (Don’t do this, that stuff doesn’t come off easily!)

. 

We’ve all seen the DIY videos on YouTube… Looks easy doesn’t it? Have you ever thought that the manufacturers of these products make these DIY videos to expand their market to people of non-trade backgrounds by showing qualified people doing the job (and subsequently making it look easy)? The manufacturer gets a second bite of the cherry too when the DIY home handyman buggers the job up and needs to get a professional to fix it… awesome money making venture!

Then there are the trips to Bunnings… So many things to buy and build… So many things to add meaning to your life and expand the already rich tapestry of your existence! Best of all, they are all designed for the “Home DIY Handyman”… A word of warning; most (if not all) are not worth your relationship /marriage! Do not attempt this at home kids, it will end in pain!

So, to get to the point of this blog, why does renovating never stop taking? The answer is you will never actually finish…

For example, late last year, we finally got off our butts and replaced our kitchen.  Not wanting to pay the exorbitant amount of money that dedicated kitchen manufactures’ charge to supply and install kitchens we decided to buy the kitchen “off the shelf” at a certain Swedish flat pack furniture retailer and do a lot of the work ourselves. I should mention here that our house was built in the time of “Asbestos… Is there anything it can’t be used for?” so a simple “cabinet in/cabinet out” job quickly became a total demolition before any of the real work could begin.

This was all factored in however… What wasn’t was the two week time frame blowing out to 6 months before it was totally completed!

I do take all supreme responsibility for this fact, I did crack the shits and was completely over it until the unpainted walls drove me so mad that it just had to be finished. This however caused the following issue:

Renovating one room makes the adjacent room look like shit, or, what I have come to call the “Comparative Crap Effect”.

Our lounge room used to be the one acceptable room of our house, but since the re-sheeting, new cabinetry/tiles and, really, complete overhaul of the kitchen our lounge room, by comparison, looks like shit. So now, the lounge room needs a complete face lift (which will more than likely also involve an almost total demolition of the room as it stands). After that is complete, the hallway will no doubt fall victim to the Comparative Crap Effect…. So the cycle continues!   

Having had this rant I wish to stipulate… Renovating is rewarding and seeing your house evolve from someone else’s home into your own vision is a wonderful feeling… just beware… everything costs more than what you initially believe it will and takes twice as long.

As I said in the beginning, given the chance again I would have gone down the same road… We live in an area we love in a house that is slowly becoming our own… However there is a lot to be said for living in a package home in the outer suburbs!

Focus Group this!

Today, I feel my right to decent film is being compremised by focus groups!

Last night, Lacey and I sat down to watch a film with two actors with whom we have both been impressed with their body of work to date, Justin Long and Drew Barrymore. From the dude in the apple ad to the gay guy in "Zach and Miri Make a Porno"... Justin Long never fails to entertain while Drew Barrymore has been a winner ever since ET (with the possible exception of "Never Been Kissed", but hey, everybody has to work!)... So with the the inclusions of both of these stella actors, I thought we were in for a most enjoyable night of entertainment with the viewing of "Going The Distance"...

.... For the first 80 minutes... I was right!

[SPOILER ALERT FOR ANYONE WHO HAS NOT SEEN THE FILM]

The movie actually ends 10 minutes prior to the roll of the closing credits, my advice to anyone who watches this film from this point on is simple:

TURN THE FILM OFF WHEN HE IS PLAYING SPACE INVADERS FOR THE SECOND TIME! YOU WILL BE SO MUCH MORE SATISFIED!

It has made me ponder the question of why films are dumbed down to the lowest common denominator when they show such potential... there is not always a need for a happy ending. If we take a look at some of the most important stories of all time, very few of them have a stereotypical "happy ending"...

I suppose you could ask me "Is there anything wrong with a happy ending? Are you just some turd who is never happy unless he is miserable?"... No, I just think that Jennifer Anniston with her leading man of the moment who she just so happens to be dating at the time (very smart if you ask me, makes average movies more interesting to the tabloid market) and Kathrine Heigl/Gerard Butler have this market down pat.... don't fuck with it... The masses can get their opium there.. So why ruin otherwise great, entertaining movies by giving them an obvious afterthought of a happy ending?

It has made me wonder what changes could be made to other films/stories for broader mass apeal...
Schindler's List - Musical Version... With a chorus line scene in the showers?

Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence - More carols maybe?

Titanic - Would have been better quite frankly if Leo had been kneed in the balls in the start of the film and spent the next 3 hours groaning!

Million Dollar Baby - I shouldn't need to say really!
Gone With The Wind - "Frankly My Dear, I really care and want to sit down and have a deep discussion about your feelings on the matter"

The list goes on....

The core of my rant is this... Out of the human spectrum of emotions, joy is not the only one of merit. There is sorrow, melancholy, regret, guilt and countless other topics that make for equally great films and satisfying endings... Why does the boy always have to get the girl? Sometimes the boy and girl just can't get their shit together in real life, and if art is an imitation of life, why does it always have to portray how we want to feel... rather than how we do feel most of the time...